Can we talk? I mean, can we really, REALLY talk?
Listen up. I had a conversation today that caused me to think back. I thought about how my great-grandmother had to raise my grandmother because her parents abandoned her. When my grandmother became a mother, she raised all 5 of her children. She then raised me because my mother was incapable. Partially because of this, when I became a mother, I was determined to raise my own children, and I did.
This thought process then led me down the list of other generational curses I’ve broken over the years. I raised my kids. I graduated from college, twice. I’ve written several books. I’ve recorded albums and performed all over. I’ve never been a drug addict or an alcoholic. I’ve never been promiscuous or what society would call deviant. I’ve served in the church my entire life. I just started a ministry. I was affirmed this year.
I’m not bragging. Hear me out. The list above then led me to the list of curses I’ve been unable to break. Divorce. Watching my talents become lucrative enough for me to support everyone I love (some people say rich, but money alone is not my definition of success). Owning my own home. Keeping my children away from the judicial system. Divorce again. Having a healthy relationship with my mother.
What I realized is that I am TIRED. I’m EXHAUSTED. I’ve spent close to 48 years of my life trying to be who someone else wasn’t. Or trying not to be who someone else was. I’ve been trying to prove that I’m a good mother, that I’m good at something, that I’m better than somebody, that I can do it, that I’m…enough. This fight, this struggle, has left me weak mentally, spiritually, and physically. I often wonder why some days I barely have the strength to lift my head; why some nights sleep doesn’t come, even when my body and mind are weary; why no matter what I do, it never feels like I’m done; why I’m always so fatigued.
I can blame it on the fibromyalgia. I can definitely blame it on perimenopause (IYKYK). I can blame it on getting older. The reality is, breaking generational curses is tiring. Granted, there are some curses that you can’t allow to run rampant in your family. However, be careful not to pick up what doesn’t belong to you. Perhaps some of my perceived failures above would have gone differently if I were focusing on my future and not my past. Perhaps I wouldn’t have expended so much of the strength I needed if I had spent more time getting to know who God was calling me to be, and less time trying to recreate my identity.
This is personal, but I’m sharing because I know I’m not the only one. So yes, FIGHT! Pull down strongholds, break curses, right the wrongs. Just make sure that you’re only fighting the battles meant for you to fight. Because, whew, the fatigue is real. The heaviness is real. What’s even more real? The reality that I’m only overwhelmed because I’m draining resources meant to build something up, to instead tear something down. Never underestimate the fatigue.
