One of the major things I revealed about myself in my memoir was how I changed my identity based on whoever was around me at the moment. I was ‘Queenie’ to my grandmother and my family. I was ‘Shaq’ to one set of friends, ‘Monie’ to another. I was ‘Sis. Irving’s Granddaughter’ at church. I was ‘Spoon’ in the Air Force. I could go on and on with this list of what some would call nicknames. It was deeper than that though.
These were actual identities that I’d adopted in order to be accepted. I was afraid to make anyone upset. I was afraid to lose anyone. I was afraid that the love I gave wouldn’t be reciprocated unless I became whatever version of myself that suited them best. While doing my root work I began to understand that this thought process was born in the traumas I’d experienced as a child. My little girl brain exchanged hurt for perfection. If so many horrible things kept happening to me, then it had to be my fault, right? Something about me was unlovable; something made people, the most important people in fact, walk away; something made people keep hurting me. If I changed me, I could make them all love me.
Of course, I was wrong. It took 38 years for me to understand how much damage had been done to my mental and emotional health. Another 2 before I broke out of the prison of my pain.
Listen. Give yourself grace. The process of unlearning what you have learned is long, painful, and exhausting. You will probably need breaks. Therapy. A vacation. Music. Journals. And a lifetime subscription to Kleenex. You will get through it though. Don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s. Don’t rush your journey. Don’t walk away from it. Allow yourself to feel, and then you can begin to heal.
I wish you JOY on your JOURNEY…
